Seeking to Understand
Most of us can remember a conversation in which we expressed a fear or worry and our conversation partner immediately started telling us what he or she did in a similar situation, how we could improve, and the right way to move forward (advice before understanding). When this happens to me, I often feel small, defensive, and a little stuck, and I think to myself, How do I say I already did all of that and I just needed to vent?!
It’s especially common for leaders to jump into solving the problem, telling us what to do, or blaming us for a poor outcome without seeking to understand first, but don’t be fooled: any one of us can fall into the same trap. As a therapist I learned early on that when someone says “I’m stressed,” “I hate this,” or “I’m overwhelmed,” the meanings are not universal. All of this is to say that, even when you think you know, you probably don’t know. You may not ever totally get it, but seeking to understand can lead to an experience of closeness, care, and alignment that provides the conditions for loyalty, motivation, and fulfillment on teams.
Think it’s worth trying? Read on.
Catch Yourself in the Act
When you forgo listening in favor of dispensing advice or problem-solving, you become vulnerable to missing the point because you have your own narratives and agendas playing in your head. We each have a few “favorite” and common patterns that preclude us from slowing down and listening, so take some time to highlight the words below that show up in your life again and again.
blaming, concealing, worrying, complaining, getting tired, spacing out, correcting, ignoring, explaining, interrupting, intellectualizing, rushing, comparing, trying too hard, interpreting, whining, care taking, being sarcastic, getting confused (just say you’re confused!), overwhelmed, shy, anticipating, rehearsing (what you’re going to say next), embarrassed, dismissive, seeking approval, assuming, feeling misunderstood, being righteous, “looking” interested, withholding
Take five minutes to list two or three of these that are super present for you. Identify a couple of characteristics of each that will help you know if you are moving into a state that might cause you to skip understanding and jump straight into something less helpful.
As an example:
Worrying
My brain is looping and I can’t sit still.
The idea of collaborating causes an eye roll.
I feel inadequate and want others to solve my problems.
Care-taking
I feel better than the other person.
I list solutions.
Their opinion doesn’t seem valid.
The opportunity with this is to start catching yourself in the act. Just listing these and noting their characteristics is a good first step, but catching yourself in these habits takes practice. Many of us benefit from recruiting someone close to us to help us notice these states as well.
After you’ve caught yourself in the act, you have an opportunity to do something different. Try the next step to shift your mindset into one that can seek to understand.
Manage Your State
You must learn to manage your own state so that you have enough space, patience, and caring to really listen and get curious.
There are a number of ways to practice shifting your state. I’ll share a couple favorites here:
Make Space: It can be hard in normal conversation to break out of feeling that urgency is more important than understanding. When I notice that I’m in one of my above patterns, I might say,
“I just got distracted by my to-do list. Can we start over so I can really hear you?”
“Hmm, let me think about that for a second. I really want to make sure I understand.”
Calm Down: The enemies of understanding are almost always distraction or getting riled-up and distressed in some way. As a result, we usually need to calm ourselves down so we can get our whole brain back.
Take three deep breaths, with the exhale taking longer than the inhale.
Turn your attention to a tactile sensation of a pen, your clothing, or a table, then let your mind settle into the sensation.
Cognitive Diffusion: Sometimes our thoughts start to feel like facts. There’s a strategy called cognitive diffusion that literally helps you to remove yourself from your thoughts. To do this, insert a little caveat between the thought and yourself. For example:
Instead of: I'm angry.
Try: I'm having the experience of anger, and I've noticed a hot face, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, etc.Instead of: This person is ridiculous!
Try: I'm having the thought that this person's suggestion is ridiculous.Instead of: I always blow it.
Try: I'm noticing my tendency to jump to conclusions.
Once you’ve made space, calmed down, and diffused, then you’re really ready to seek to understand.
Seek to Understand
Once you’ve caught yourself in the act and you’ve managed your state, the most helpful key to understanding is to leave space and invite collaboration into the conversation. The conversations I observe are often more like a game of tennis (I perform, you perform, I perform, you perform, and so on). However, I’m inviting you to think about your conversations more as a shared canvas in which one painting will be the result. Here are some ways to start leaving more space and inviting your conversation partner to help you understand.
Slow it Down: Most of us plan our responses when another person is talking rather than really listening. This can result in a rather quick pace of conversation. For internal processors (people who process thoughts internally), this doesn’t leave enough space for them to express themselves; for external processors (people who speak their thoughts aloud), it often causes them to speak flippantly or without consideration. To understand, you must leave enough space for the other to consider and express what they need you to understand.
Count to three after the other person has finished a potent thought, allowing them to elaborate upon and consider what they’ve just said.
Say, “I’m listening. What more do you have to say?”
Watch Out: Many of us struggle to value understanding over urgency. This experience of urgency is often misguided, since seeking to understand rarely takes more than a few extra minutes and usually saves significant time in the long run. Try your deep breathing and just listen.
Clarify: So many of us, especially if we see ourselves as smart and “tuned in,” often miss the real point. Although we speak the same language to one another, the meaning of our words and sentences is unique to each of us. In order to understand the full picture of what someone is saying, you also have to understand each component of the communication. Start practicing clarification as a habit in your important communications by saying things like:
It sounds like you…
If I’m understanding correctly, you…
As I heard you, you said…
Could you say that in a different way? I’m not sure I understand.
Watch Out: These statements can be used as weapons in communication. These are meant to be tools to help you understand, not to judge, make wrong, or mock someone’s thoughts. Check your attitude and make sure you’re asking from a place of curiosity.
Deepen: Many of us don’t quite say what we mean, especially if the conversation feels risky or embarrassing. As a result, getting to the real motivation or the deeper point can help clear up asks or conversations that don’t seem quite right. To pick the right question, you’ll first have to consider the deeper need, true motivation, or secret wish of your conversation partner. The following prompts can help you get there:
“Will you tell me more about that?”
“What’s the real motivation/issue behind…?”
“What has caused you to bring this up to me at this time?”
Watch Out: This kind of digging can be invasive, and it has to be done with compassion and curiosity. It can also be difficult to know whether or not to leave a conversation at face value. However, if you pay close attention to your own feelings, your empathy will usually tell you when there’s a deeper story.
Practice
Always repeat back big insights or decisions and ask, “Did I get that right? How would you change what I said back to you to be more accurate?”
These phrases are just a suggestion for words; of real importance is how the words are delivered, and if they are spoken with true curiosity, lacking judgement, and holding space for the answer. If you ask a space-making, clarifying, or deepening question and notice that you are intolerant of the answer or rushing, go back to the first steps to manage your state again. See if you can invite openness and collaboration into your state.
Seeking to understand is an ongoing practice that takes willingness and skill, and it will involve “stepping in it.” If you step up and give it a try, I can almost guarantee more open and trusting relationships, fewer misunderstandings, greater transparency and openness with your team, an experience of peace in conversation, and a sense of being closer to those around you.