Use Attachment Theory to Check In on Your Co-founder Relationship
When you are starting your company, one of the most important decisions you might make is who your co-founder will be. Sometimes this happens naturally as you create your idea, wile some folks go out and court multiple people to find the perfect match. When you do find the right person, s/he can make or break your biz and be an incredible pillar of support when things get rough. Your partner ‘gets you,’ or complements you. Is this sounding familiar?
Many of us who call ourselves entrepreneurs think of our co-founders as a relationship that is more -- or at least as important -- as our romantic relationships (and if you disagree, look at how much time you spent talking to and collaborating with your co-founder compared to the time you spent with your romantic partner last week). Some of us even end up finding romance in our business partnerships! All this to say that patterns that follow us around in our romantic lives are relevant also in our business relationships.
At the beginning, finding a perfect co-founder can feel like meeting a long-lost kindred spirit who “gets it” and who wants the same future as you. Over time, however, things like money, control, working style, interest in sacrifice, or personality can make co-founding relationships challenging. Just like in a marriage, co-founder relationships take work, and as much as you’d like to think this relationship isn’t personal, it is.
If you neglect the relationship over time, you’ll be sitting in front of an investor pretending that “your differences make you stronger,” and telling your business ‘meetcute’ while trying to hold back disgust. You might even recognize Dr. Gottman's relationship killers (The Four Horseman) riding into work with you: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Eventually, this could tear your company apart.
In the world of couples counseling, we have some ways of uncovering why certain relationships go well and why others don’t. One theory that helps us understand why we keep choosing certain people for our romantic and business lives -- despite the fact that they make our blood boil - is called Attachment Theory. We won’t do a deep dive here, but Attached is a great book for an introduction to this. You can also learn your unique attachment style by taking the ECR test, then come back here to take our co-founder quiz, below. Briefly, there are four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, fearful and secure.
Your tendency in this model was created by childhood experiences and temperament, and it plays out in all important relationships for many of us throughout adulthood. That means these styles also show up in our co-founder relationships. For example, about a year ago, one of my business partners kept asking if we could have more team retreats and “shoot the shit” meetings. This business partner also complained that I “didn’t care” because I didn’t call anymore. I immediately felt that my space and autonomy were being invaded, and I went into pure avoidant mode.
I compiled and adjusted the following statements to describe a secure co-founder relationship, one that I wish was more common amongst co-founders. The good news is that once you understand your natural tendencies, you can “earn security” through work with a co-founder coach or therapist or with your own coach or therapist. I’ll admit that I still have a bent of avoidance, but after identifying this as my attachment tendency, I’m more likely to lean in knowing that my impulse to avoid is there; though it is trying to keep me safe, it no longer serves me.
Check in with the following statements and give yourself a 1 (totally disagree) through 4 (completely agree) score on each.
My co-founder hears my thoughts and opinions without invalidating them. 1-4
Conversations are a productive exchange of ideas. Your co-founder and you listen and validate each other’s contributions without bringing the conversation in an egocentric direction.
My co-founder understands his/her conditioning and unique psychology and how it impacts his/her patterns of behavior. 1-4
Great business partners understand that there are aspects of you and of themselves that shape the way they respond and react. These partners are aware when “old stuff” is impacting their ability to respond to the reality of the moment and to take responsibility for what is their part.
My co-founder can regulate his/her own emotions and manage his/her reactions. 1-4
Your co-founder’s “upsettness” does not become your problem or mess to clean up. S/He does not overreact, and is skillful at taking a moment to note present emotions to use them as information rather than reacting or blowing things out of proportion.
My co-founder has clear boundaries and communicates them appropriately. 1-4
Healthy co-founding relationships are built on boundaries. Your co-founder should tell you what is needed in an assertive manner, follow through with his/her boundaries, and respect your boundaries.
My co-founder encourages creativity and self expression. 1-4
We have co-founders because we can be better together. Your co-founder should encourage and support your unique contributions and leadership style without needing you to conform to his/her particular way of doing things.
My co-founder has respect and admiration. 1-4
Great business partnerships are built on mutual respect and admiration. You and your co-founder should think one another is best in class and hold deep respect for one another, even when you are in disagreement.
My co-founder understands his/her own needs and how to get them met (not co-dependent, but mutual support). 1-4
In this way, one co-founder does not become the “keeper” or “enabler” of the other. This can especially play out that one co-founder begins to clean up or take care of the other. Co-founders should be equal and collaborative -- but not dependent -- on one another.
My co-founder allows my freedom and autonomy. 1-4
You will be at your best when you have the freedom and autonomy to lead your life in a way that serves you (by the way, this is also true for your employees). A free and autonomous co-founder relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t coordinate for work together, but it does mean that each of you must continue to grow as individuals and have the space to go out on your own every now and again.
My co-founder encourages me to spend time away from him/her and the business to create a meaningful living for myself. 1-4
Co-founders can be a source of business over-identification. When you and your co-founder become attached to one another and fused with your business, everyone loses. You and your co-founder should look out for one another having other priorities in your lives and cover for each other to help maintain balance.
If you found that you selected mostly 4s for the questions above, then nice work! You and your co-founder are likely aware of (and doing!) the work necessary to earn security. If you have any 1s or 2s, it’s time to check in with a co-founder coach and understand more about how you can better support one another. The Pilea Concierge can help you get started!