Get Unstuck From Your Velcro
I bet you were a brilliant child. You know why I think that? Because you’ve made it here, and most people wouldn’t survive this type of environment. High pressure, high ambiguity, and high reward? This type of environment attracts people who know how to adapt, which is a skill you learned to do really early in your life.
For many of us, our home environments were not ideal or even safe growing up. When we are tasked with surviving in non-ideal situations as children, we take matters into our own hands because we are self-centered and assume the problem is us. As a result, we adapt because we cannot ask our environments to change. When we become adults, we can change our environments, but somehow these internal adjustments stick around even if they aren’t useful anymore.
I have a couple of these unhelpful adaptations that are pretty pesky. In my family, being special and different were prized designations. As a result, I learned how to be special to my parents by being great at sports, intuiting their needs, and overworking. Now, when I run across someone who reminds me of my dad, is in authority, or is even just kinda cool, I try to be special to them. This causes me to compulsively intuit their needs and work really, really hard to impress them, even if it doesn’t serve me. The worst part is that I feel like I don’t get to choose to do any of this, because it all just slips out of me without my awareness; a prime example of this is when I mention my years as a rower and my experience as a college athlete (remember this for later).
I’ve started calling these patterns my Velcro. The name works because any time a familiar experience comes up, it sticks right to that old Velcro and causes me to respond out of old habits rather than with my reasonable adult brain.
Reacting out of old patterns might cause us to have a bigger reaction than the situation warrants, or to respond in a compulsive or unhelpful way. A coach can work with you to identify and remove your Velcro patterns in life, but if you’re ready to start the work right now, there is something you can do.
It’s a three-step, simple (but not easy) process:
Become aware
Get honest about your need
Be your own best parent
Become Aware
Can you think of some experiences in your life that made your blood boil, your heart pound, your stomach sink, and that gave rise to a reaction bigger than the situation warranted? Let your mind ponder this for a few minutes and jot down any situations that come up.
Next, give them a little name that is descriptive. Here are some of mine:
Overwork to feel special
Do without things I want
If you want bonus points (and don’t we all?), you could reflect on where these patterns might have arisen. For example, my mom overworked and it made her important. When I worked hard, I also got a lot of attention, and sometimes I even believed that it was the best way to earn love.
This additional reflection is helpful because, when you notice the pattern appearing, you can remind yourself that your inner child is having an old reaction in addition to the in-the-moment reaction to the actual person in front of you. For example, when I meet a new client and I really want them to think I’m special, I might silently say to myself, This person isn’t your father.
There is a second part to that sentence which we’ll explore next.
Be Honest About Your Need
Adaptations develop because you needed something as a child that you weren’t getting. In my case, my need to feel special was really about needing to feel loved. Most of these adjustments are about our most core needs. Reflect for a moment on what the patterns you uncovered in the first step may be trying to solve.
Overworking to feel special >>> Needing to know I was loved
Doing without things I want >>> Ensuring my parents didn’t leave me, needing to feel safe
The first step in transformation is becoming aware of what you actually need. One of the ways we stay stuck in our patterns is that we keep running after the constructed need (special-ness) in an effort to get the core need (to feel loved) met. As a result, I might become hugely financially successful and maybe even famous, but that wouldn’t meet my need to feel loved.
To avoid this repetitive pattern in which our core needs continue to go unmet, we must adjust our awareness to shine on the actual need rather than on the constructed one. Sometimes doing this is enough to transform the experience and bring you back to reality.
At this point, I could rework my statement to sound more like this: This person isn’t your father; you are needing to feel loved right now.
Be Your Own Best Parent
Awareness is necessary but not sufficient for change. As a result, when you become aware of your patterns and identify your core needs behind the patterns, you must then do and feel something different in order for the pattern to transform.
This step takes practice, time, and a lot of self-compassion. We’ll walk through the process with the two most common core needs: love and safety. Read the following quietly out loud to yourself or in your head; alternatively, you can listen to the linked meditation recordings.
“Find a position that supports you in feeling relaxed and awake. First, become aware of your breathing. No need to control or change your breath in any way; lovingly observe it just as it is. Notice it’s quality - fast, slow, deep, shallow - in your chest, in your belly. Notice as you watch it that it naturally changes. Our awareness is powerful; simply becoming aware can bring deep healing.
Your breath will continue to breathe you throughout this exercise, keeping your body oxygenated and cared for. Gently appreciate your breath for continually giving you life without any of your conscious effort.
Now, on purpose, bring to mind a thought that brings you a sense of safety. Could be a person, a memory, a place, or even a reminder: I am safe in this moment. Let this experience become as consuming as possible. Let the experience of safety fill every part of your body. Notice how your thoughts can greatly impact the experience in your body. Acknowledge the sensations of safety. What does it feel like in your belly? What is your breathing like when you feel safe? Are there any words or images that you associate with safety? Take note of these.
You are building your safety toolkit. The more you visit this place, the more accessible this feeling will be for you. You can help yourself feel safe, you can come back here any time.”
“Find a position that supports you in feeling relaxed and awake. First, become aware of your breathing. No need to control or change your breath in any way; lovingly observe it just as it is. Notice it’s quality - fast, slow, deep, shallow - in your chest, in your belly. Notice as you watch it that it naturally changes. Our awareness is powerful; simply becoming aware can bring deep healing.
Your breath will continue to breathe you throughout this exercise, keeping your body oxygenated and cared for. Gently appreciate your breath for continually giving you life without any of your conscious effort.
Now, on purpose, bring to mind a thought that brings you a sense of feeling completely and unconditionally loved. Could be a person, a memory, a place, or even a thought. Let this experience become as consuming as possible. Let the experience of being loved fill every part of your body. Notice how your thoughts can greatly impact the experience in your body. Acknowledge the sensations of love. What does it feel like in your chest and belly? What is your breathing like when you feel loved? Are there any words or images that you associate with love? Take note of these.
You are building your love toolkit. The more you visit this place, the more accessible this feeling will be for you. You can help yourself feel loved by you. This is a place you can come back to any time.”
The sensations you explored in the meditations are the guidance of your own inner parent. When an old pattern gets activated and you identify your core need, call to mind those feelings of safety and love. Give yourself the sense of safety and love you need, then revisit the situation at hand.
Let’s put it all together now.
I’m at a networking event and a very impressive guest walks towards me. I immediately feel intimidated and my compulsive need to feel special arises strongly in me. Maybe I don’t notice this right away, but when this person makes an introduction I hear myself say, “You’re tall; were you a rower, by chance?” Because of my efforts to recognize my patterns, I know what’s coming and I become aware of the need to feel special.
While he is answering my question, I quickly check in with myself, asking, What do I need right now? My answer to myself is, To feel loved.
I call to mind that feeling of having an expansive and full heart. It warms me from the inside and I return my attention to the person in front of me, thinking, That’s right, he’s not my dad, and I am loved and enough already.
Now I can just be with the person in front of me. I can see the person for who he is without compulsively needing him to meet a constructed need leftover from my childhood. Now, we can talk one adult to another without anything he does sticking to my Velcro.