If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Give This a Try

I wrote a little something on being assertive. Now, I’m not saying that you're not being assertive, but if you communicate via Post-It notes, sometimes just don't reply to a Slack message, or say a nice thing instead of sharing the truth, then listen up.

As children we’re taught to be nice. You know, that whole, “Say something nice or don’t say anything at all” business. The problem here is that it doesn’t leave room for when the situation requires something other than niceties, when nice won’t get to the heart of the matter or make change. For many of us, when something we’ve said or done isn’t right, an anger-spectrum emotion bubbles up. Anger emotions are thought to arise from the need to make right a wrong; they are action-biased emotions that motivate us to change and impact something.

Note if any of the below emotions are present in your life. If you don’t recognize them, you may have “stuffed” your anger and could benefit from reclaiming it (this is a great thing to talk about with a coach):

• Annoyed

• Frustrated

• Pissed

• Disgruntled

• Angry

• Rageful

• Livid

I have a good number of CEO clients who experience these types of emotions on a regular basis (yes, CEOs have emotions, too). Someone is taking advantage of the business, an employee isn’t performing, business partners are trying to push them out, investors are refusing to follow on in a time of need; in all of these examples, something isn’t right, and an anger-spectrum emotion has emerged to make it right. The trouble here is that a CEO or founder’s role is visible, and the words expressed by people in this position impact others in a big way. CEOs and founders can’t possibly express their anger, and as a result of having nothing nice to say, some of us - perhaps especially those of us socialized as women - say nothing at all. What’s more, the “not right” things get more and more not right until we personally crumble or the business fails.

Enter: assertiveness. It’s an action-oriented practice that marries the clarity and righteousness of anger-spectrum emotions with the kindness, respect, and awareness of a fully-regulated nervous system.

In graduate school, my first professor, Dr. Sandy Jenkins, taught us a model for assertiveness that I’ve never forgotten. There are others that might resonate with you, like DEAR MAN from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Radical Candor from Kim Scott, but whichever you decide to use, you will end up having an honest and kind conversation that moves all parties towards righting what’s wrong.

The Dr. Sandy Jenkins model is as follows;

• Know what you want

• Aim for a win/win

• Be honest and direct

• Make “no” an okay answer

• Check for respect first: “I’m okay, you’re okay.”

Let’s put this model into practice.

The Scenario

You have one month left of runway. Your board has asked you to lay off half of the company and your incumbent investors haven’t stepped up. You’re pissed; no, you’re livid. A layoff means missing your next big deadline that sets up your Series B, and two of your largest investors promised that they’d be there for a bridge to get you to the next milestone. What’s worse is that the company is performing great! You are probably less than three weeks away from hitting this super important milestone that basically guarantees your Series B. What should you communicate to your investors?

What Do You Want?

I want you to make good on your promise and invest in a bridge round to set up a solid Series B.

Aim For a Win/Win

I’m willing to negotiate attractive terms for you with a timely and sizable bridge investment.

Be Honest and Direct

We made plans as a company based on your promises. Your unwillingness to step up has really hurt us and could hurt your investment. I’m asking you to fulfill your promise and invest.

“No” is Okay

I respect that investing in us is your choice, and I really hope we can partner.

Check for Respect

It’s reasonable that I came to expect that you would support us, and I completely respect that you have to do what’s best for your business, too.

Sometimes I hear people give excuses for why they can’t ask for what they want. “It will offend them,” “They’ll think I’m entitled,” “They’ll get angry,” “We’ll lose our relationship,” and “I’m scared” are all common. I understand how these are valid reasons AND - in my experience - the consequences of not asking for what you want are often far worse than making the ask itself. 

Many of us learned that it was safer to manipulate than to be assertive. So, we might skip the conversation and instead go to our largest investor’s biggest rival, solicit a bridge round from them, then push our original major investor off the board. Now we’ve broken a relationship and started a new one on shaky ground. Or, we might fall victim to our fear of asking for what we need and instead accept that the company is over; when we shut our doors, we may then secretly (or publicly) blame it on our investors. This type of behavior might hurt our ability to raise a pre-seed round for our next great idea.

Assertiveness gives the people around us the opportunity to support us in the ways we need most while also allowing them space to look out for their own needs. This type of respect and autonomy builds strong and mutually beneficial relationships. And we know that businesses are built on relationships. If you are a leader, then relationships are your job, and assertiveness is one of your most powerful tools to build effective and strong partnerships with those around you.

The best way to practice being assertive is to role play it with a coach or with other leaders in a peer circle. If you are looking for spaces to practice, reach out to us.